Tag: judge

Diary note No 16 – The loser

I came in last last night.

A loser, comprehensively vanquished, whitewashed, beaten, massacred.

In a phrase, I was thrashed.

Not just pipped at the post

Not just a photo-finish

Not nudged out by a nose.

I wasn’t even placed.

Everyone was better than me in the speech contest.

That’s the end of my effort to become World Champion (for another year).

Was I that bad? Yes.

Was the speech a nightmare? No.

The speech was fine.

A woman

came up to me with tears in her eyes.

“Thank you for your wonderful speech. I was so moved by it. Like you said, all I’ve wanted all my life is to be listened to, to be heard. You put your finger on what matters most to me. Thank you ever so much. It was great.”

The speech was well worth delivering.

It meant a lot to at least two of us.

The speech was magnificent, despite my delivery – not because of how I delivered it.

The judges

found my speaking style poorer than every one of the other contestants.

They punctured my self-esteem.

My hubris.

Don’t you love it

when judges do that for you?

How considerate.

How thoughtful.

How generous.

What a gift.

I owe a debt of gratitude, don’t I?

We need a commission or a committee


[Cartoon by Martyn Turner]

Somewhere in Dublin…

“If we’re to avoid being blamed for this shambolic fraud – we better get a retired judge.”

“Surely that’s asking for trouble?”

“Never, sure won’t it all have blown over before there are any findings.”

“You mean til after the next election?”

“Hasn’t that always worked?”

‘Is there not a better way?”

“To get at the truth?”

“The truth is we have to kill this – did you hear Joe Duffy today?”

“Oh I know. That fecker’s always stirring shit.”

“Maybe we should make him a retired judge. That’d keep him quiet.”

“Joking apart, where’ll we find a judge?

“Noel or Patrick will sort it. They’re good guys.

“Where are you going now?”

“I’ve a statement to make – and after that Drive Time.”

“I’ll tell the lads.” 

“Mind you don’t leak this to Micheál.”

“Hah, ha – that’s a good one.”